IrnBru Withdrawl
by Ivan Alias
Summary: What happens if you give a Scotsman, who has not even seen a can for many years, a can of Irn-Bru? Dean provides the answer. Last - for now - of the humourous 'Four Amigos' fics.


Welcome to all of you who have humoured me by reading this little fanfic of mine. A review from you would be very nice. Please review. Another exciting and intriguing chapter in the Four Amigos's story.  
  
Oh yeah. I own nothing. Nothing at all. I don't even own the shirt on my back. I don't even own my back.  
  
Let it commence!  
  
&&&&&&  
  
"Kitty," Piter began, his hands out on the table in front of him, "don't get me wrong. I like you. I like you a lot. I think you are one of my best friends." He held up a finger. "However, if you use the phrase: 'like, whatever' ever again in my hearing, I will be forced to introduce your forehead to a tomahawk at an astronomical velocity to maintain the integrity of English."  
  
Kitty looked at Piter with a look that went beyond confusion. "Uh, you only had to, li-" she saw Piter's expression, "you only had to ask."  
  
Piter smiled slowly. "Thank you, Kitty. I cannot tell you how much better that makes me feel." He pushed his chair back from the table. "I'm sorry, it is rather draconian of me, but when people do things that annoying, I have to use some serious self-control to stop me from killing them in a bloody and violent manner."  
  
It was the weekend, and the institute was calm and relaxed. The Four Amigos had recently been excused from doing any work on any piece of hardware in the institute. The result being that they were now lazing around with the rest of the kids.  
  
Piter got up off of his chair, smiled benignly towards Kitty, and walked over to Dean, who was lying out on a sofa. To say that his face was long was a gross understatement.  
  
"Hey, Dean. What's going on? Why are you looking so down?"  
  
Dean smiled glumly. "Ach, Ah've just been slightly depressed lately."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"Well, we've been banned from going anywhere near any piece of equipment in th' institute, Ah got an 'F' in mah Computin' test and..." Dean trailed off. "You get the picture."  
  
"Yeah..." Piter trailed off. "Listen, Dean..."  
  
"Aye?"  
  
Piter shook his head slightly. "It's nothing."  
  
Dean looked at Piter strangely. "You're th' worst liar in th' world, Piter." He sat up, and looked Piter straight in the eye. "Whit wis it?"  
  
Piter, looked from side to side, then took a deep breath. "Dean, Mc- "  
  
"Hey guys!" Eva's voice suddenly yelled out from the doorway. Piter breathed a sigh in relief.  
  
"Hey, Eva." Dean called from the sofa. "Howzitguan?"  
  
"Fine, fine." She said. She looked up from the bags she had put on the table, and grinned at the two guys. "What's going on? It looks as if you two just broke up or something."  
  
Piter rolled his eyes. "You'll forgive us for not laughing at that, Eva."  
  
Dean shrugged, then started to walk towards the table. "Whit did you get?"  
  
Eva smiled slightly. "Well, I heard that you had a pretty poor day, Dean, so..." Her smile widened. "I decided to get you something that would cheer you up a bit."  
  
"Ah doubt it." Dean replied gloomily. "There's only wan thing that would cheer me up, an' that'd be..." He saw what Eva had in her hand.  
  
It was a normal-sized soft drink can, almost like a coke can, except instead of being red and white, it was blue and orange. There was a logo of a silver running man on it. Overall, a fairly nondescript object. However, Dean's reaction to it was profound.  
  
He swallowed slowly, and pointed an unsteady finger at it. "Is that, whit Ah think it is...?" He stared at Eva with almost pleading eyes.  
  
She nodded.  
  
He grasped it from her hand, then looked back at her with a look that went beyond love and damn well bordered on pure idolatry. "Eva," he whispered, "Ah love you, and Ah want tae hive your children..."  
  
Eva chuckled. "I may take you up on that, Dean."  
  
Dean, however was not listening. He was staring at the can like a man in a religious daze. Kitty raised an eyebrow. "What is that?"  
  
"It's a type of Scottish soft drink. I remembered Dean talking about it with a tone bordering on the reverential and thought it would be a nice present for him, cause I heard he had a bad day."  
  
Kitty's eyes brightened. "Oh, is that Irn-Bru?" Eva nodded. Kitty smiled. "I remember Rahne talking about it. She said it was possibly the most beautiful thing ever to be invented by anyone. She said that if you wanted to check if anyone was Scottish, all you had to do was ask if they had heard of it." She looked at one of the cans on the tabletop. "I wonder what it tastes like..." She reached forwards...  
  
"NO!" Dean screamed, snatching the can from her hand. "This is mah Irn-Bru, y'hear?" He turned his wild eyes from Eva to Kitty. "It's MINE! Y'hear? It's all MINE! Even think about drinkin' it, and you're dead, y'hear?"  
  
"Okay..." Kitty said slightly confused. "There's no need to be like that..."  
  
"Aye there is! You almost drank wan of these! Ah hivnae hid wan for ages! These are mine, y'hear? Git your own!" Froth was starting to build on his lips, and his eyes were shining with a zealous fervor.  
  
"Okay then..." Piter said, grabbing the can from Dean's hand. He held it up to his eyes, then broke the seal. He took a sip. He looked thoughtful. "Tastes like..."  
  
Dean kicked him solidly in the groin. "THAT WIZ MINE! MINE! GIT YOUR MITTS OFF OF IT, YA BASTARD!" He grabbed the rest of the cans, then flew off.  
  
"AHH!" Piter screamed. "MY MASCULINITY!" He then collapsed on the floor, groaning loudly.  
  
Eva looked at the whimpering heap in front of her, then looked at Kitty. "Did Rahne ever do anything like that?"  
  
Kitty shook her head. "No, she could never get any over here." Kitty looked thoughtful. "However, she did say that if any of us were hiding any Irn-Bru from her, she would kill us painfully and slowly."  
  
"I think I may have just given the monkey the key to the banana foundation..." Eva said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
&&&&&&  
  
"DEAN!" Tabitha yelled. "GET OFF OF THE CEILING, RIGHT NOW!"  
  
"NUT!" Dean bellowed back. "AH LIKE IT UP HERE! IT'S NO MEAN AN' IT DOESNAE TRY TAE STEAL MAH IRN-BRU!"  
  
"For the last time..." Sam groaned, staggering around, gasping for breath. "None of us are trying to steal your damn Irn-Bru! I don't even know what it is!"  
  
"Well, here is one of the cans he dropped..." Piter said, walking through the door, holding a crumpled can. He turned to Eva, who had just walked in as well. "How many cans did you get of this?"  
  
Eva looked up at Dean, who was muttering to himself and crawling over the ceiling. "Just a dozen..." She replied, a tone of nervousness in her voice.  
  
"Well..." Piter said looking at the can. "If he has drunk all of the cans in under a half-hour, then he has approximately consumed about enough sugar equal to..." He looked at the can's ingredients.  
  
"Well, how much sugar has he got in him?"  
  
"I don't know. I have trouble counting that high." Piter replied. He raised an eyebrow at the hyperactive Scot. "Personally, I thought it was impossible for someone to consume that much sugar and not go into a hyperglycaemic fit."  
  
"Yeah! Yeah!" Dean yelled. "Ah can hiv that much sugar, an' yous lot arnae getting any of it!"  
  
"Dean..." Piter said with practised weariness. "We can't get any of it because you've drunk all of the Irn-Bru."  
  
"WHIT?" Dean screamed. He flung himself down at the floor, towards Eva. "TELL ME YOU'VE GOT MORE!"  
  
Eva raised an eyebrow at him. "No I haven't got any more..."  
  
"Well..." Dean muttered, his eyes fidgeting rapidly, "where did you get 'em?"  
  
Eva opened her mouth, then saw Piter who was making a slit throat gesture behind Dean. "I don't remember..."  
  
Immediately Dean burst into tears. His knees fell out from beneath him, and he dropped to the ground, a sobbing inconsolable heap.  
  
"I'm sorry that you all had to see that..." Piter said slowly. "But if you told him where you got it, all hell would've been released."  
  
"Okay, who's the wise guy who put a mouse-trap in the cereal box!?" Someone yelled.  
  
"Who put green food colouring in the shampoo?!" Jean yelled.  
  
"How on earth can that thing stay on the roof?" There was a sudden bang. "Oh, I see."  
  
"Where's my underwear? Where's my und- Bobby! You pervert!"  
  
"What?" There was a sound of someone being punched.  
  
"Hey, who booby-trapped the fridge door?"  
  
"ACK!" Ray yelled, running into the room, pursued by a large swarm of insects. "BEES!"  
  
"Who photocopied my diary and put it in everyone's room?!"  
  
"Watch out for th-" there was another crash. "Never mind..."  
  
"Amara..." Bobby whined. "Why did you hit me?"  
  
"Who on earth filled the bathtub with cheez whiz?"  
  
"The bathtub? What about the shower?!"  
  
"Hey! How on earth could someone imbed a skateboard into a concrete wall?"  
  
"LOOK OUT!" Someone screamed. "THE DANGER ROOM'S GONE HAYWIRE!"  
  
"I told you that room was going to be a disaster!" Lexy's voice floated from the same direction. "But does anyone listen to me? No!" They heard her laughing. "Who's got egg on their face now, huh?" There was a dull thump. "...Or five tonnes of tar..."  
  
"Why, in the name of all that's holy, did someone turn all the statues upside down?"  
  
"WATCH OUT! THE POOL'S ON FIRE!"  
  
"Oh man... I thought I had seen the last of giant purple interdimensional monsters!"  
  
"Uh... That's just Barney, Forge."  
  
"Okay, who put up all the posters saying 'Vote for Fidel Castro, the only trustworthy politician!'?"  
  
"Where did that giant pumpkin come from? And why is it decorated with rubber chickens?"  
  
There was an explosion. "Oh, man! The hard drive just exploded!"  
  
"WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS?!"  
  
Piter looked back down at Dean. "Methinks that we were a little too late in dealing with this..."  
  
"Note to self." Eva said, grabbing a bottle of aspirin. "Never give Dean any presents ever again!"  
  
R&R 


End file.
